I'm so tired of the constant utterance.
"Ding dong," they say. "Ding freaking donggggg, Leah. You're the one who's judgemental..." This is what people usually say in response when I tell them they're judging me.
Sometimes people say this with their voice. But mostly the utterances come from their body language.
And each time they say this type of thing something inside me churns. I hurt. I anger. I want to cause destruction as the natural disaster that I've become inside. Little nuggets of hail instantly formed from the hurt of it all begin quickly to mutate into astronomical sized hail "bits" in my brain as it races to undo the hurt by spewing a hail-sized effort of combative words towards my sudden enemy. Saliva then waters my tongue as if its somehow and highly strangely become the last giant possibility of habitation on an under-quenched planet for all creation's survival--the Great Hope. And this is all from my newfound inability to swallow due to the tedious action of trying not to show my offensiveness caused by the Sudden Enemy. You see, my jaws nearly become cemented shut and my trachea removed when I'm really angry (This just means I'm trying to remain expressionless and keep from swallowing as well so that the enemy cannot see my feelings). But the problem is my body is no longer the standard 98.5 degrees fahrenheit at this point. It has evolved into a temperature so hot that I have no need for the assistance of a thermometer to tell me that I'm running way more than a fever. My mouth is so hot, the lake of saliva in it can be likened to hot lava. My mouth is so hot, a thermometer would melt in it. My mouth is sooo hot, I have no choice but to let in air spewing out the Hail-sized Effort of Combative Words that have been waiting to be spewed whilst largely formed saliva-turned spittle leap toward my enemy in conjunction with my words. Its a horribly beautiful duo.
And here is why I anger so ferociously, here's why: I am one of the types who'll give her good coat--Yes. The one that happens to be thermodynamically unchallenged, that you'd wear on a really Cold day, the expensive kind--to the homeless skinny guy walking down the street without one. I don't say "These darn homeless people. Now if he had a job he wouldn't be out on the streets freezing," and then drive on by. Nooooooo. I give him my coat because he's cold. Better yet, I'm the type of person who'll give her Last good coat away, which by the way is only the Last Good coat because it Really is the Last One in the closet, then buy myself another one (even though I too am just a step away from homelessness as well) from Good Will. I'm one of the types to hold the hands of a bum and pray with him or her because they need it, despite the tales those hands could tell. I'm the type to sell my television for money because I have none to give you, then give you the proceeds so you can pay a bill. I do this because even though I'm poor, you're poorer than me. I'm the type that when I hear a man preach a sermon can in Truth know the hypocrisies in his life yet separate the worth of his sermon from the worth of his life. I can shake his hand and tell him "God really used you today," and mean it and go home and pray for him with sincerity concerning his personal life. I'm the type who doesn't care that you're male and flamboyantly homosexual and can't change your own tire when I'm female and can. I do it for you without even looking at you oddly just because you're a guy. I do it for you without even looking at you funny just because you're gay. God told me to love you and be humble in my position, giving Him the glory always. And this is an opportunity for me to show you the Testament of God in my life in that I don't treat you like I'm disgusted by you. You know I'm a God follower because I tell you with sincerity "God bless you" and have treated you with supreme kindness. So before I leave from helping you, you become attracted to God through my actions and begin to want some of what I've got for yourself. It is my genuine goal to help you with what helps me. I'm the Type who can love you and do right by you even when you fail me by cheating me, breaking pacts with me or the worst-- Judging me. And the above are All true events from my life. There's much more you'll never hear for the sake of the privacy of others and my own humility. Much more.
So when an apple is old and red or teeth marked and green and I say so because our conversation calls for such to be said, please don't say I'm being judgmental. And If it walks like a turtle but talks like a duck and I say so--because our conversation calls for such to be said--please don't say I'm being judgmental. The sky's blue during day, gray according to the weather, a spectrum of colors when the sun sets and very dark blue at night. And if I ever catch the sky one hundred and eighty degree-ing it in the middle of the day as a dark blue night, and our conversation calls for such, I'll speak the Truth as nice as I can that the sky's making a big fat lie--unless of course, it's that Last Day.
I can't help it I'm analytical. And I can't help it I'm usually right in my analyzations. I can't help it I have a memory that retains information when I don't know it is so that I can remember what you said in '03 comparative to what you said in '08 as soon as you say what you do in '08. I can't help it that life is a giant puzzle to me and we all are mini puzzle pieces within it's puzzle pieces that further break down into puzzle pieces for which I somehow how an intrinsically logical understanding that I have yet to be able to communicate the depth of. The only one's who ever understand, despite my lack of communicative ability in this area, are those who are this way themselves. And I can't help it I'm slightly precognitive so sometimes you can say guess what I have in my pocket and I can tell you not knowing just HOW I can. But I Can help who I tell my findings to and and to what extent. So maybe I should just start doing that a little bit more. Judging others, in my opinion, means most likely a person isn't being given a fair shot because you Assume you know what they did, who they aren't, why they are, all that stuff. It means you either don't have first hand evidence or lack a good hound dog nose for putting logistics together. In many cases, I have both. And most of cases, I just have a pretty good darn nose.
And each time they say this type of thing something inside me churns. I hurt. I anger. I want to cause destruction as the natural disaster that I've become inside. Little nuggets of hail instantly formed from the hurt of it all begin quickly to mutate into astronomical sized hail "bits" in my brain as it races to undo the hurt by spewing a hail-sized effort of combative words towards my sudden enemy. Saliva then waters my tongue as if its somehow and highly strangely become the last giant possibility of habitation on an under-quenched planet for all creation's survival--the Great Hope. And this is all from my newfound inability to swallow due to the tedious action of trying not to show my offensiveness caused by the Sudden Enemy. You see, my jaws nearly become cemented shut and my trachea removed when I'm really angry (This just means I'm trying to remain expressionless and keep from swallowing as well so that the enemy cannot see my feelings). But the problem is my body is no longer the standard 98.5 degrees fahrenheit at this point. It has evolved into a temperature so hot that I have no need for the assistance of a thermometer to tell me that I'm running way more than a fever. My mouth is so hot, the lake of saliva in it can be likened to hot lava. My mouth is so hot, a thermometer would melt in it. My mouth is sooo hot, I have no choice but to let in air spewing out the Hail-sized Effort of Combative Words that have been waiting to be spewed whilst largely formed saliva-turned spittle leap toward my enemy in conjunction with my words. Its a horribly beautiful duo.
And here is why I anger so ferociously, here's why: I am one of the types who'll give her good coat--Yes. The one that happens to be thermodynamically unchallenged, that you'd wear on a really Cold day, the expensive kind--to the homeless skinny guy walking down the street without one. I don't say "These darn homeless people. Now if he had a job he wouldn't be out on the streets freezing," and then drive on by. Nooooooo. I give him my coat because he's cold. Better yet, I'm the type of person who'll give her Last good coat away, which by the way is only the Last Good coat because it Really is the Last One in the closet, then buy myself another one (even though I too am just a step away from homelessness as well) from Good Will. I'm one of the types to hold the hands of a bum and pray with him or her because they need it, despite the tales those hands could tell. I'm the type to sell my television for money because I have none to give you, then give you the proceeds so you can pay a bill. I do this because even though I'm poor, you're poorer than me. I'm the type that when I hear a man preach a sermon can in Truth know the hypocrisies in his life yet separate the worth of his sermon from the worth of his life. I can shake his hand and tell him "God really used you today," and mean it and go home and pray for him with sincerity concerning his personal life. I'm the type who doesn't care that you're male and flamboyantly homosexual and can't change your own tire when I'm female and can. I do it for you without even looking at you oddly just because you're a guy. I do it for you without even looking at you funny just because you're gay. God told me to love you and be humble in my position, giving Him the glory always. And this is an opportunity for me to show you the Testament of God in my life in that I don't treat you like I'm disgusted by you. You know I'm a God follower because I tell you with sincerity "God bless you" and have treated you with supreme kindness. So before I leave from helping you, you become attracted to God through my actions and begin to want some of what I've got for yourself. It is my genuine goal to help you with what helps me. I'm the Type who can love you and do right by you even when you fail me by cheating me, breaking pacts with me or the worst-- Judging me. And the above are All true events from my life. There's much more you'll never hear for the sake of the privacy of others and my own humility. Much more.
So when an apple is old and red or teeth marked and green and I say so because our conversation calls for such to be said, please don't say I'm being judgmental. And If it walks like a turtle but talks like a duck and I say so--because our conversation calls for such to be said--please don't say I'm being judgmental. The sky's blue during day, gray according to the weather, a spectrum of colors when the sun sets and very dark blue at night. And if I ever catch the sky one hundred and eighty degree-ing it in the middle of the day as a dark blue night, and our conversation calls for such, I'll speak the Truth as nice as I can that the sky's making a big fat lie--unless of course, it's that Last Day.
I can't help it I'm analytical. And I can't help it I'm usually right in my analyzations. I can't help it I have a memory that retains information when I don't know it is so that I can remember what you said in '03 comparative to what you said in '08 as soon as you say what you do in '08. I can't help it that life is a giant puzzle to me and we all are mini puzzle pieces within it's puzzle pieces that further break down into puzzle pieces for which I somehow how an intrinsically logical understanding that I have yet to be able to communicate the depth of. The only one's who ever understand, despite my lack of communicative ability in this area, are those who are this way themselves. And I can't help it I'm slightly precognitive so sometimes you can say guess what I have in my pocket and I can tell you not knowing just HOW I can. But I Can help who I tell my findings to and and to what extent. So maybe I should just start doing that a little bit more. Judging others, in my opinion, means most likely a person isn't being given a fair shot because you Assume you know what they did, who they aren't, why they are, all that stuff. It means you either don't have first hand evidence or lack a good hound dog nose for putting logistics together. In many cases, I have both. And most of cases, I just have a pretty good darn nose.
One thing I've learned, most reasons people Think I'm judgmental is because of how I present information. I'm blunt, even in my niceness. And I'm not as good at being properly expressive in utterance as I am on paper. Written words are wonderful in that they have time to stew in your mind before being extracted. Oft times my oral words are Spewed, unintelligibly in my opinion, in that they don't propose to the human ear what really lies within me to be spoken. Hence, I come across as judgmental.
And I hate this with the same ferocity as two like-sided magnets. I hate this like how Hurricane Katrina hated on Louisiana. I hate this the same way the human body rejects poison. And it's quite unfortunate that, sometimes, in all its Rejecting of a poison the body does not always survive it. But this will not be me. I will not be like those who allow the opinions of others, the judgments of others to stagnate them as a person who can never learn to trust again or is afraid to open up her mouth. I will simply, as always, keep asking God to guide my tongue and improve my communication skills for the Glory of Him. I will learn not to take offense, because "My goodness" Jesus took no offense! I will learn to use the gifts God's given me with completion.
When the Utterance Strikes, it hurts. But that's okay, one day I'll learn to kill it for good--by giving it absolutely no reason to utter in the first place.
