I can't honestly say I'll never talk to him again. I can only say untruthfully that I won't. Because, you see, out of all the villainy lurking within me that seldom shows--except for in times like this--the greatest of it is in opposition to myself.
I wish I could be a villain in the way The Villain was one to me. I wish I could make him hurt and not even care that I did (this blog will mostlikely be the extent of my revenge). I'd lure him into my lair with an irresistable force so powerful that even you, dear reader, would not dare to read my words in description of it for fear of your own intoxicated plight. And at the height of The Villain's oblivion via my irresistable weapon of allure, at the height of his deepest intrigue with me, I'd de-magnitize "our aura" faster than what encompasses the rules of gravity. I WISH I could do all this, but the Heart of me can't. My Heart is a flow that won't stop loving. And THAT is the greatest of the villainies within me.
When I was a child, I was angry. I could hate. And I could do it genuinely. I will not elaborate much because if I did, you'd instinctively tense up tighter than King Kong in a size 12 girdle from the chilling reality of it all, and I care too much about my readers to allow you to undergo the affliction of restricted blood flow, teeth-chipping chattering teeth and clenched fists that leave nail-imprinted palms. Besides, this metaphor's getting kind of scary. King Kong probably would bust out of that size twelve, know what I mean? But, ahmm, as I was saying, when I was a child I was angry. About alot of things. And I spent a great deal of time cultivating Hate so that I could do it better and better each time. I wanted so bad to feel so much evil inside so that I could become numb to hurting people. But then, one day the most eventful, life changing things happened. One, I saw one whom I'd oppressed act as an oppressor to a lesser. And Two, I actually BECAME the oppressed by my formerly oppressed.
(perhaps I'll elaborate on these for you one day. but for now...)
Actually seeing my hate in action by another, and in the same EXACT manner as I'd use it is what First woke me up. It was literally like watching a secretly recorded video of myself doing an action I'd deny with sincerity had I not seen it with my own eyes! I knew I was hateful, but not THAT hateful. I'd have never given myself that great of credit. And seeing my hate in action taught me that I wasn't as hateful as I tried to indicate I was. After feeling a sadness of regret for the one I saw oppressed, I realized, somewhere deep within that I wasn't a monster afterall. I discovered that I could love.
For the time when I BECAME the oppressed, I can honestly say I WAS. SCARED. TO. DEATH. You see, this occurrance happened AFTER I witnessed the above mentioned, upon which I began to immediately willingly defragment the hard shell surrounding my heart. By then, even though, I still had a bit of a temper, I'd learned that love was stronger than anger. Love had pushed aside my quest of hatefulness like the flick of a switch that turns on the light in a dark and empty room. Now that the light was shining brightly amidst the unfilled room of my heart, the room could finally be filled with lovely things. See, my perspective had changed and so had my heart. So I couldn't be angry in retalliation to the extent I used to in the past, not even if my oppressor had showered hate on me with the ferocity of 50 strategically thrown daggers at it's enemy target. Witnessing my oppressor's extreme lack of self-control was empowering to me--simply because it made me feel like crap. Finally, I'd felt the way I made others feel. And it was awful. Just awful.
And all this, dear readers, is why my heart is a flow that won't stop loving. This is why the greatest of my villianies is towards myself.
If The Villian ever calls me again, or emails, or texts, I don't know if I can ignore him as others would, as he IS quite deserving of this minor act of revenge. And it's not because I'm in love with him that I most-likely won't ignore him. I stopped loving him the Summer of 2006 when I finally woke up and realized I could do much better for a mate. And it's not even because I want to keep him as my friend. I woke up and realized I could do much better for a friend the moment he'd villianized me for the Christmas Holidays, the same as he'd done just previously during Thanksgiving of which I was very forgiving. In fact, I believe it's safe to say The Villain is not even worthy to be my AQUAINTANCE, or perhaps we'll lessen him to that of a passersby, even more deservingly reasonable of course. I can honestly say I don't know if I can ignore him, for the simple existance of etiquette. Etiquette. Ah, in learning to love I've learned to love past subjectivity, past affliction from others. Hence, I'm very forgiving--and also very easily taken advantage of. Seemingly. But please, dear reader, don't test me. Grrrrrr. Taking advantage of me requires the subtlety of Snow's gentle landing and Water's forming and breaking of bonds, ambiguous to the naked eye. I'm quite the intrinsic when it comes to accurately percieving!
Yah. So, back to The yucky Villian.
He's not worth a 15th of a cent, if such a thing even exist as tangible, which I'm sure it doesn't. Why would it? A 15th of a cent is Worthless.
He's not worth the dung hanging half-endedly from the butt of a barren cow in a field of undernourished grass from which the cow eats and will soon die.
He wouldn't be worth it even, if he were a piece of meat and the last of it on earth, amongst millions of hungry faces and hands craddling empty bellies that roar with the same growlings as Lions. Not one hungry soul would dare to feast on The Villain for fear of taking on the worthless likeness of him.
But strangely, The Villain IS worth loving. Why? Because if he's not worth loving, then he's worth a relapse into the snare of anger waiting to consume me as it once did so long ago. And he's not worth that. He's not worth my disempowerment. Love is always stronger than hate, stronger than any negative force around. And I choose it as my weapon. Afterall, didn't you know? God=Love! And I want Him on my side. Not anything else...
Now if you'll kindly excuse me, I've got a few pictures to delete from my laptop, a few letters to dispose of, a couple of numbers to delete, cards to--oh, you know!
I love hard. But I'm nobody's fool but God's.
Peace. And please do have a magnificant day.
